A man once advised his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning.
The son did this religiously and lived to the age of ninety-three. When he died he left fourteen children, twenty-eight grandchildren, thirty-five great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A man arrived home from work and noticed that his father seemed to be avoiding his grandchildren. “What`s the problem?” he asked. “You usually love playing with them”.
The old man produced a medical prescription from his pocket and said, “Read the label. That`s why!”
The son took the bottle and read the label.
‘Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.’
Two elderly academics-one retired history professor, the other a retired professor of psychology-had been persuaded by their wives to take a weeks holiday on Spain`s Costa del Sol. As they sat in their shorts on the hotel balcony one balmy evening sipping glasses of wine, the history professor turned to the psychology professor and said, “Have you read Marx?”
“Yes”, answered the professor of psychology, “I think it must be these wicker chairs.”
If my body was a car this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little bit dull. But that’s not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed and my fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here’s the worst of it: Almost every time I sneeze or cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! 🙂
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to move.
“But why?” they asked, as they walked off.
“Because” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!”